At what point did I change so much that when I look back I see a completely different person. I don’t think I will ever know. I just know for a fact that I am no longer the same person. I’m 34 years old but don’t act or live like one. One day I feel and act like 65 and one day I feel like 16.
- At 34 I still don’t own a home.
- At 34 I still don’t have a family.
- At 34 I still don’t have any savings.
- At 34 I still wonder when I will land my dream or stable job.
- At 34 I am still scared of the world.
- At 34 I don’t’ even know where I will be living months from now.
- At 34 I am lonelier than ever.
I have met and seen many others that have made it look so easy to live life and to live their age. It is extremely difficult for me. It’s no secret that I need to grow up. Where did I go wrong? I grew up as one of those kids that have so much potential. I studied very hard, got A’s and B’s most of the time, and had many people looking up to me. I know that I made some bad choices in the past. If I have to guess, I believe that at one point I was completely exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
How I wish I can just let myself go and enjoy life and the moment like there is no tomorrow. I admire those that can do it. I have tried many times, and know that I failed miserably. Drinking some time helps when I don’t think about wasting money or not worry about being responsible. Considering that I am a lightweight when it comes to drinking, I don’t think I have a drinking problem. A pitcher of beer each week isn’t much, or is it? Maybe I need to make myself cry, maybe I need to scream at the top of my voice, maybe I need to throw everything at the wall, maybe I need to punch the next person that pisses me off, or maybe it’s something else. Instead I just try to make it through another day, peacefully, quietly, without looking back. At least I tried. It doesn’t always work because my brain and heart know when I’m lying to myself. I really don’t believe any of them will work honestly. I believe the only thing that will work for me if I can wipe out all my memories, which of course is not possible. Or is it?
I will grow up. You will see. Before I die, I will be able to say “I grew up and conquered LIFE.” Meanwhile, I am still on a quest to find out what how to do it.
