What is suffering? After all the shit that I have gone through in this life time, subconsciously I have developed my own definition of it. Suffering to me is the reflection of death. I see death many times but never been one. Many times I wish I had. Is it possible for a person to die and still go on living? That is not a sarcastic question or a question about a horror movie either. I mean for real. Have I died a long time ago and not know about it? Is that why I am no longer able to enjoy, feel, or live life? No matter how sunny and beautiful the day is, I can’t even crack a smile. What happen to me that made me so jaded and hateful, that I can’t trust another soul? I wish for once that I can wake up to a morning full of energy, be able to forget all my past, and have the strength to enjoy life as it is intended. The thought of being in the crowded room makes me feel exhausted and unable to keep up. The thought of being alone makes me feel lonely, depress, and rejected. The thought of shopping of any kind makes me feel irresponsible because of the little money I have left. The thought of smiling or laughing makes me feel unreal as it does not match my true emotional state from within. The thought of screaming or crying makes me feel disturbed and unnecessary. The thought of killing myself makes me feel like I’m leaving life unaccomplished, and a coward. There seems to be a feeling for everything. How can I stop myself from being able to feel altogether? I want to strip away all emotions in me. The good, the bad, and the uncertain.
I can feel the rain falling and the ocean waves crashing by the shore on a beautiful sunny day, as they try to drown the sorrows in my beating heart. I begged God to help me see the light of day as the dark black clouds hover over my head, but there was never an answer. Am I to wait forever? If there is a God, how can he allow such pain and sorrow to linger in my heart every day? Is this life a test to see how much pain I can endure? Please make it stop! Just for a while. I can’t endure the pain much longer. Before I go I want to experience life’s true meaning and be able to hope for the next day to come. Yes, I want to know what love is, hold Love in my arms, enjoy life without any doubts and regrets, and feel the heat of a sunny day radiating on my skin. Every time I close my eyes, as I blink, I can feel the ocean waves swelling up behind my eyelids and wanting to crash ashore, but I wouldn’t let it happen. Even when it does, at least I know that I fought it with all my might.
I’m exhausted. I’m very exhausted of the same old dreary days and seeing the sufferings within myself and others around me. I envy those that can live life without a single care or worry in their hearts. How do I get the strength and courage back to live life and overcome all life’s obstacles? How and when did I lose all faith, hope, and trust in myself and the world around me? I want to believe that there is a simple answer, but right now my heart is telling me there is none. Right now my heart is telling me there is no answer except to up my coping ability, or I will fail. On second thought, is that really a bad thing? I know that I asked for death before, but death never comes. Why do I fear death now when death and I are one?
