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		<title>Boot CentOS from PXE</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/boot-centos-from-pxe/</link>
		<comments>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/boot-centos-from-pxe/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:23:25 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[1]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/boot-centos-from-pxe/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[You can boot CentOS installation using PXE (Pre-eXecution Environment) by setting your BIOS to look on the network for a PXE Server to boot from. Once the installation is booted, CentOS will let you get the actual packages that are to be installed from a Web Server (HTTP), an FTP Server, a shared NFS directory, [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=150&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:9pt;">You can boot CentOS installation using PXE (Pre-eXecution Environment) by setting your BIOS to look on the network for a PXE Server to boot from.<br />
</span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:9pt;">Once the installation is booted, CentOS will let you get the actual packages that are to be installed from a Web Server (HTTP), an FTP Server, a shared NFS directory, or a local disk.<br />
</span></p>
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		<title>Booting CentOS from Hard Disk</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/booting-centos-from-hard-disk/</link>
		<comments>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/booting-centos-from-hard-disk/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:02:19 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[1]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/booting-centos-from-hard-disk/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[1.  Load and mount the DVD #  mount /media/disk OR #  mkdir /mnt/dvd; mount /dev/mnt/dvd 2.  Copy vmlinuz and initrd files to boot directory #  cd /media/disk/isolinux #  cp initrd.img /boot/initrd-boot.img #  cp vmlinux /boot/vmlinuz-boot 3.  Change your local /boot/grub/grub.conf file to include entry of vmlinux and initrd files title CentOS 5 installation root (hd0,0) [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=149&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">1.  <span style="background-color:yellow;">Load</span> and <span style="background-color:yellow;">mount</span> the DVD</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
			</span></span></p>
<ul style="margin-left:39pt;">
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">#  mount /media/disk </span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
				</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">OR #  mkdir /mnt/dvd; mount /dev/mnt/dvd</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
				</span></span></li>
</ul>
<p><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">2.  <span style="background-color:yellow;">Copy</span> vmlinuz and initrd files to boot directory</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
			</span></span></p>
<ul style="margin-left:39pt;">
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">#  cd /media/disk/isolinux</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
				</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">#  cp initrd.img /boot/initrd-boot.img</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
				</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">#  cp vmlinux /boot/vmlinuz-boot</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
				</span></span></li>
</ul>
<p><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">3.  <span style="background-color:yellow;">Change your local /boot/grub/grub.conf</span> file to include entry of vmlinux and initrd files</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
			</span></span></p>
<ul style="margin-left:39pt;">
<li>
<div><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">title CentOS 5 installation</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
					</span></span></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">root (hd0,0)</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
						</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">kernel /vmlinuz-boot</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
						</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">initrd /initrd-boot.img</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
						</span></span></li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
<p><span style="font-size:9pt;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">4.  Reboot computer</span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><br />
			</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:9pt;">5.  When the boot countdown appears, press any key to display the GRUB boot screen</span></p>
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		<title>Installing CentOS and its preparations (chp2)</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/installing-centos-and-its-preparations-chp2/</link>
		<comments>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/installing-centos-and-its-preparations-chp2/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 17 Mar 2010 07:15:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[1]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[Installing CentOS CD Insert CentOS LiveCD At Boot Screen, press any key At login screen, let the login prompt time out Done. Desktop should be loaded. From GNOME desktop you can: Run Applications Check Hardware Prepare for Dual Booting You cannot upgrade to CentOS from Red Hat Enterprise Linux or Fedora system. If you use [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=148&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p style="margin-left:18pt;"><span style="background-color:yellow;">Installing CentOS CD<br />
</span></p>
<ol>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;"> Insert CentOS LiveCD<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">At Boot Screen, press any key<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">At login screen, let the login prompt time out<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">Done.  Desktop should be loaded.<br />
</span></li>
<li>
<div><span style="background-color:yellow;">From GNOME desktop you can:<br />
</span></div>
<ol>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">Run Applications<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">Check Hardware<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">Prepare for Dual Booting<br />
</span></li>
</ol>
</li>
</ol>
<p>You cannot upgrade to CentOS from Red Hat Enterprise Linux or Fedora system.
</p>
<p>If you use Java RPM, then it may be erased during an upgrade.  If that occurs you can install the Java RPM from jpackage.org or install the Jave tarball into your /opt directory.
</p>
<p>Command &#8220;<span style="background-color:yellow;"><strong>linux askmethod</strong></span>&#8221; at startup boot: screen will allow linux to prompt you on the method of installation.  Example:  It will ask you to install from:  Local DVD or CD; Hard Drive; NFS Directory; FTP; and HTTP.
</p>
<p>CentOS demands at least 512 MB of RAM.
</p>
<p>How to display hardware information from the terminal:
</p>
<p><span style="background-color:yellow;">$   /sbin/lspci –vv | less</span>        &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;    Will display computer&#8217;s hardware
</p>
<p><span style="background-color:yellow;">$  /sbin/lsusb</span>            &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;      Will display usb devices
</p>
<p><span style="background-color:yellow;">$  su –</span>
	</p>
<p><span style="background-color:yellow;">$  yum install hwbrowser</span>    &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;      Will install the hardware browser, and will need the internet access for this command to work.
</p>
<p><span style="background-color:yellow;">$  hwbrowser</span>             &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;    Will open the hardware browser
</p>
<p>How to check your computer memory:
</p>
<ul>
<li>System &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Administration &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; System Monitor &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Resources
</li>
</ul>
<p>How to manually turn on swap partition located at /dev/sda2:
</p>
<ul>
<li>Type &#8220;swapon /dev/sda2&#8243;
</li>
</ul>
<p>Testing your hardware:
</p>
<ul>
<li>Sound Card:      System &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Administration &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Sound Card
</li>
<li>Network / Internet:     System &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Administration &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Network
</li>
<li>
<div>Video Card:      System &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Administration &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Display
</div>
<ul>
<li>Or you can type this command in the terminal:  # grep Chipset /var/log/Xorg.0.log
</li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
<p>Other commands for checking out your computer:
</p>
<ul>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">cat  /proc/interrupts &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Show what interrupts are in use<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">cat  /proc/cpuinfo &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Show CPU info<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">cat  /proc/bus/usb/devices &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; show attached and detected USB devices<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">/sbin/lspci &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Show listing of PCI devices found (-vv for more verbose info)<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">cat   /proc/cmdline &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; show command line options the system booted with<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">cat  /proc/ioports &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; show ioports in use and the devices using them<br />
</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color:yellow;">less  /var/log/messages &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Page through the log of system start-up messages</span></li>
</ul>
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		<title>INSTALLING WINDOWS SERVER 2008 (chp1)</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/installing-windows-server-2008-chp1/</link>
		<comments>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/installing-windows-server-2008-chp1/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:11:38 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[1]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/installing-windows-server-2008-chp1/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[  Insert a bootable Windows Server 2008 media and power on the physical or virtual server. Configure your language, time and currency format, and keyboard or input method. Click NEXT &#62;&#62;&#62;&#62;&#62; INSTALL NOW. Enter the product key as required in the next screen. Choose whether you want to install a &#8220;FULL INSTALL&#8221; version or a [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=147&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>
 </p>
<ol>
<li>Insert a bootable Windows Server 2008 media and power on the physical or virtual server.
</li>
<li>Configure your language, time and currency format, and keyboard or input method.
</li>
<li>Click NEXT &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; INSTALL NOW.
</li>
<li>Enter the product key as required in the next screen.
</li>
<li>Choose whether you want to install a &#8220;FULL INSTALL&#8221; version or a &#8220;SERVER CORE&#8221; version. (We will do the core version for our practice.)
</li>
<li>Accept the license agreement.
</li>
<li>Choose between &#8220;UPGRADE&#8221; and &#8220;CLEAN INSTALL&#8221;. Choose &#8220;CUSTOM&#8221;.
</li>
<li>Select appropriate drive partition on which you want to install windows.
</li>
<li>Installation process will begin.
</li>
<li>Reboot &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; create a password for security reason.
</li>
</ol>
<p>Configure basic network settings:
</p>
<ol>
<li>Initial Configuration Tasks screen will appear after first boot.
</li>
<li>Click &#8220;Configure Networking&#8221; &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Right-click Local Area Connection &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Properties
</li>
<li>Select &#8220;Internet Protocol version 4 (IPv4)
</li>
<li>Select &#8220;Use the following IP address&#8221; so you can enter the static IP address for it.
</li>
<li>To add a preferred and alternate DNS server from the command line, click &#8220;Start&#8221; button, then click &#8220;All Programs&#8221; &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Accessories &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Command Prompt
</li>
<li>Type:  &#8220;netsh interface ipv4 add dnsserver &#8220;Local Area Connection&#8221; &lt;DNS server IP address&gt;.address&gt;.address&gt;.  Repeat this command, inserting the IP address of your alternate DNS server the second time around.
</li>
<li>Exit Command Prompt
</li>
<li>The next step is to set up your firewall.  See steps to setting up firewall.
</li>
</ol>
<p>Network Discovery &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; finds and  accesses other computers and shared resources on the network. However, if you allow network discovery in a public network, then you will allow total strangers to see and access any file shares on your system.
</p>
<p>Network location &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; work or public network.  The Network and Sharing Center allows you to set the network location, and the windows Firewall screen has a link to access the Network Center.
</p>
<p>The Exception tab in the Firewall Setting window will give you the option to open a port, or allow access to a program.  Opening a port is dangerous because it leaves it open all the time.  It is better to allow a program because the port only opens when the program is running.
</p>
<p>You can use Server Manager console to install one or more Server Roles, which defines the particular duty that a server might perform on a 2008 network.  System files associated to a particular role will not be installed on a server until the role is installed, so that the software is not left dormant on the server unused and be a target of viruses.
</p>
<p>17 Server Roles of Windows Server 2008:
</p>
<ul>
<li>Active Directory Certificate Services
</li>
<li>Active Directory Domain Services
</li>
<li>Active Directory Federation Services
</li>
<li>Active Directory Lightweight Directory Services
</li>
<li>Active Directory Rights Management Services
</li>
<li>Application Server
</li>
<li>DHCP Server
</li>
<li>DNS Server
</li>
<li>Fax Server
</li>
<li>File Server
</li>
<li>Network Policy and Access Services
</li>
<li>Print Services
</li>
<li>Terminal Services
</li>
<li> UDDI Services
</li>
<li>Web Server (IIS)
</li>
<li>Windows Deployment Services
</li>
<li>Windows SharePoint Services
</li>
</ul>
<p>Adding a Server Role:
</p>
<ol>
<li>Start &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Server Manager
</li>
<li>Select Role (left side)
</li>
<li>Select Add role (right side)
</li>
<li>Select the role you want.  In this case, select DNS Server role.
</li>
<li>Click INSTALL to confirm installation selection.
</li>
<li>When the installation is complete, close the screen to return to the Server Manager console window.
</li>
<li>The DNS Server Role should now appear in the list of your Roles Summary section.
</li>
</ol>
<p>Features &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Remote Server Administration Tools, Windows Server Backup, WINS Server, and Wireless Networking.  They may or may not be advantageous to your network/company.
</p>
<p>Once you have installed win server 2008, you can add and remove physical hard disks and logical partitions to increase or modify the available storage on your server.
</p>
<p>Hard Disks &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Win Server 2008 supports Basic Disks and Dynamic Disks.
</p>
<p>Basic disks &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; uses partition tables that will recognize and support older operating systems.  All disk drives in win server 2008 begin as basic until they are converted to dynamic.
</p>
<p>Dynamic disks &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; have more advanced configuration features.  Once a disk is converted to dynamic, the disk can only be accessed by OS that support dynamic disks (win2000, winXP Pro, Vista Bus/Enter/Ultim, win2000 server, win server 2003, and win server 2008).
</p>
<p>Dynamic disks important terms:
</p>
<ul>
<li>Volume &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Can be simple, spanned, mirrored, striped, or RAID-5
</li>
<li>Simple volume &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; free space contained on a single physical disk.
</li>
<li>Spanned volume &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; free space from multiple physical disks.
</li>
<li>Striped volume &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; similar to spanned volume, except that it uses RAID0 striping to interleave the data across the many disks; thus improving the read performance of the volume.
</li>
<li>Mirrored volume &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; consist of 2 disks; data of one disk is copied to the 2<sup>nd</sup> one.
</li>
<li>RAID-5 volume &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Interleave across three or more disks in the same way as striped volume, but with parity.  If one disk fails, then the data contained on the failed disk can be rebuilt using the parity information stored in the rest of the volume.  RAID-5 must have a minimum of 3 disks.
</li>
</ul>
<p>Partition &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; When you create a partition, you can use a letter to represent it, or mount it to a folder.
</p>
<p>Before you can manage a disk drive in windows server 2008 you have to initialize it.  You can initialize it to use either MBR (Master Boot Record) or GPT (GUID Partition Table).
</p>
<p>MBR – partition recognized by down-level OS.
</p>
<p>GPT – partition for disks larger than 2TB, or disks used in Itanium computers.
</p>
<p>How to configure storage in Windows Server 2008:
</p>
<ol>
<li>Start &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Service Manager &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Storage (left side) &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Disk Management
</li>
<li>If the new disks are offline, then right-click and choose &#8220;online&#8221;.  The disk status when change to <em>Not Initialized</em>.
</li>
<li>
<div>Right-click on the newly added disk and choose &#8220;Convert to dynamic disk&#8221;.  Do the same to the additional disks.
</div>
<ol>
<li>You can create new partition in Disk Management, right-click on the unallocated space and choose &#8220;New Simple Volume&#8221;.
</li>
<li>Enter volume size (ex.  50 MB)
</li>
<li>Assign drive letter
</li>
<li>Format partition and format this drive using NTFS file system
</li>
<li>Finish
</li>
</ol>
</li>
<li>Start &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; type &#8220;cmd&#8221; in the Run line
</li>
<li>Type &#8220;<span style="background-color:yellow;"><strong>diskpart create volume raid size=50 disk=1,2,3</strong></span>&#8221;
</li>
<li>Type &#8220;exit&#8221; to close command prompt when done.
</li>
<li>Confirm that the newly configured RAID partition is displayed in the Disk Management console.
</li>
</ol>
<p>
 </p>
<p>
 </p>
<p>
 </p>
<p>
 </p>
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			<media:title type="html">Paul</media:title>
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		<title></title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/02/21/146/</link>
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		<pubDate>Sun, 21 Feb 2010 21:05:44 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[1]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2010/02/21/146/</guid>
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			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><span></p>
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			<media:title type="html">Paul</media:title>
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		<title>I wonder</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/i-wonder/</link>
		<comments>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/i-wonder/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:22:43 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[1]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/i-wonder/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Often I wonder if anybody will notice my absence if I leave the world unannounced. Will I be able to leave behind a piece of inspiration in their hearts? Or is my life worth nothing and is no more than a piece of dust in the mid air that flows right by you undetected by [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=141&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Often I wonder if anybody will notice my absence if I leave the world unannounced.  Will I be able to leave behind a piece of inspiration in their hearts?  Or is my life worth nothing and is no more than a piece of dust in the mid air that flows right by you undetected by the naked eyes?  Will anybody remember my smiles as I use them to show my tender moments, or will anybody remember my laughs as I was able to break free from the dark clouds that hover over my head like stigmata?  Most of all, will they remember my attempts to bring love and joy to their lives even though I have little from within?  The uncertain left me breathless at times.
</p>
<p>   </p>
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			<media:title type="html">Paul</media:title>
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		<title>Suffering</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/suffering/</link>
		<comments>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/suffering/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:21:57 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[1]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/suffering/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[What is suffering? After all the shit that I have gone through in this life time, subconsciously I have developed my own definition of it. Suffering to me is the reflection of death. I see death many times but never been one. Many times I wish I had. Is it possible for a person to [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=140&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>What is suffering?  After all the shit that I have gone through in this life time, subconsciously I have developed my own definition of it.  Suffering to me is the reflection of death.  I see death many times but never been one.  Many times I wish I had.  Is it possible for a person to die and still go on living?  That is not a sarcastic question or a question about a horror movie either.  I mean for real.  Have I died a long time ago and not know about it?  Is that why I am no longer able to enjoy, feel, or live life?  No matter how sunny and beautiful the day is, I can&#8217;t even crack a smile.  What happen to me that made me so jaded and hateful, that I can&#8217;t trust another soul?   I wish for once that I can wake up to a morning full of energy, be able to forget all my past, and have the strength to enjoy life as it is intended.  The thought of being in the crowded room makes me feel exhausted and unable to keep up.  The thought of being alone makes me feel lonely, depress, and rejected.  The thought of shopping of any kind makes me feel irresponsible because of the little money I have left.  The thought of smiling or laughing makes me feel unreal as it does not match my true emotional state from within.  The thought of screaming or crying makes me feel disturbed and unnecessary.  The thought of killing myself makes me feel like I&#8217;m leaving life unaccomplished, and a coward.  There seems to be a feeling for everything.  How can I stop myself from being able to feel altogether? I want to strip away all emotions in me.  The good, the bad, and the uncertain.
</p>
<p>I can feel the rain falling and the ocean waves crashing by the shore on a beautiful sunny day, as they try to drown the sorrows in my beating heart.  I begged God to help me see the light of day as the dark black clouds hover over my head, but there was never an answer.  Am I to wait forever?  If there is a God, how can he allow such pain and sorrow to linger in my heart every day?  Is this life a test to see how much pain I can endure?  Please make it stop!  Just for a while.  I can&#8217;t endure the pain much longer.  Before I go I want to experience life&#8217;s true meaning and be able to hope for the next day to come.  Yes, I want to know what love is, hold Love in my arms, enjoy life without any doubts and regrets, and feel the heat of a sunny day radiating on my skin.  Every time I close my eyes, as I blink, I can feel the ocean waves swelling up behind my eyelids and wanting to crash ashore, but I wouldn&#8217;t let it happen. Even when it does, at least I know that I fought it with all my might.
</p>
<p>I&#8217;m exhausted.  I&#8217;m very exhausted of the same old dreary days and seeing the sufferings within myself and others around me.  I envy those that can live life without a single care or worry in their hearts.  How do I get the strength and courage back to live life and overcome all life&#8217;s obstacles?  How and when did I lose all faith, hope, and trust in myself and the world around me?  I want to believe that there is a simple answer, but right now my heart is telling me there is none.  Right now my heart is telling me there is no answer except to up my coping ability, or I will fail.   On second thought, is that really a bad thing?  I know that I asked for death before, but death never comes. Why do I fear death now when death and I are one?</p>
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		<title>When Will I Grow Up?</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/18/when-will-i-grow-up/</link>
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		<pubDate>Fri, 18 Dec 2009 05:37:03 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[depress]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[envy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[lonely]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[old]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[pity]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[poor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sad]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[young]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/18/when-will-i-grow-up/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[At what point did I change so much that when I look back I see a completely different person. I don&#8217;t think I will ever know. I just know for a fact that I am no longer the same person. I&#8217;m 34 years old but don&#8217;t act or live like one. One day I feel [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=132&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>At what point did I change so much that when I look back I see a completely different person. I don&#8217;t think I will ever know. I just know for a fact that I am no longer the same person. I&#8217;m 34 years old but don&#8217;t act or live like one. One day I feel and act like 65 and one day I feel like 16.</p>
<ul>
<li>At 34 I still don&#8217;t own a home.</li>
<li>At 34 I still don&#8217;t have a family.</li>
<li>At 34 I still don&#8217;t have any savings.</li>
<li>At 34 I still wonder when I will land my dream or stable job.</li>
<li>At 34 I am still scared of the world.</li>
<li>At 34 I don&#8217;t&#8217; even know where I will be living months from now.</li>
<li>At 34 I am lonelier than ever.</li>
</ul>
<p>I have met and seen many others that have made it look so easy to live life and to live their age. It is extremely difficult for me. It&#8217;s no secret that I need to grow up. Where did I go wrong? I grew up as one of those kids that have so much potential. I studied very hard, got A&#8217;s and B&#8217;s most of the time, and had many people looking up to me. I know that I made some bad choices in the past. If I have to guess, I believe that at one point I was completely exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically.</p>
<p>How I wish I can just let myself go and enjoy life and the moment like there is no tomorrow. I admire those that can do it. I have tried many times, and know that I failed miserably. Drinking some time helps when I don&#8217;t think about wasting money or not worry about being responsible. Considering that I am a lightweight when it comes to drinking, I don&#8217;t think I have a drinking problem. A pitcher of beer each week isn&#8217;t much, or is it? Maybe I need to make myself cry, maybe I need to scream at the top of my voice, maybe I need to throw everything at the wall, maybe I need to punch the next person that pisses me off, or maybe it&#8217;s something else. Instead I just try to make it through another day, peacefully, quietly, without looking back. At least I tried. It doesn&#8217;t always work because my brain and heart know when I&#8217;m lying to myself. I really don&#8217;t believe any of them will work honestly. I believe the only thing that will work for me if I can wipe out all my memories, which of course is not possible. Or is it?</p>
<p>I will grow up. You will see. Before I die, I will be able to say &#8220;I grew up and conquered LIFE.&#8221; Meanwhile, I am still on a quest to find out what how to do it.</p>
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			<media:title type="html">Paul</media:title>
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		<title>My first pair of shoes</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/17/my-first-pair-of-shoes/</link>
		<comments>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/17/my-first-pair-of-shoes/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 17 Dec 2009 16:35:58 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[america]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[immigrant]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[poor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[refugee]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/17/my-first-pair-of-shoes/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[To this day I can still remember my very first pair of shoes. A part of me wants to burst out in tears thinking about it in mix emotion of sadness and joy. I was 12 years old and my family was in the Philippines at the time as Cambodian refugees. It was our last [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=101&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>To this day I can still remember my very first pair of shoes. A part of me wants to burst out in tears thinking about it in mix emotion of sadness and joy. I was 12 years old and my family was in the Philippines at the time as Cambodian refugees. It was our last stop before getting to America. Before we were allowed to board the airplane I was asked to try <img src="http://sopaul.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/121709_1635_myfirstpair1.jpg?w=500" alt="" align="left" />on a pair of sneakers. Before long, one of the ladies put a pair of sneakers on my feet and asked me if I liked it. I immediately nodded my head in a &#8220;yes&#8221; motion. What choice do I have? Say NO and have them be taken away from me? I never had a pair of sneakers before and always wanted one. It has always been a raggedy pair of sandals or nothing at all. I&#8217;ve seen other people wore sneakers and they look so beautiful and cool, and rich. In my wildest dream, I never thought that I would ever have the opportunity of having a pair as well. After my &#8220;YES&#8221; response the lady attempted to take the sneakers off my feet so I can try on new ones. I wouldn&#8217;t let her. Let her remove them and have the chance of changing her mind? No way. I remember that I did not want her to remove it from my feet and was ready to fight for it. I immediately motioned to everybody around me that I liked it and want it as is. I was ready to beg and cry if I had to, but they sensed my desperation and did not remove the shoes from me. You have no idea how happy I was at that moment. No more bare feet for me. In my mind, I was thinking &#8220;I get to have something nice like other people.&#8221;</p>
<p>After arriving in America, I did not want to take off my shoes. I was a little disappointed when my cousin attempted to do it. Everybody was surprised to see how small the shoes were compare to my feet. My cousin mentioned that it was at least 2 sizes too small. I didn&#8217;t think it was that small. It was feeling just fine to me. I remember the fitting was a little snuggly and tight, but that was the least of my worries. I was not ready to complain or to lose my first pair of shoes over a little discomfort. Would you? Yes, my toes were all crunched-up and were pointing sideways instead of straight ahead, but so what.</p>
<p>The very next day my cousin took me to a department store and got me a new pair of shoes, the correct size for my feet.</p>
<p>Do you remember your first pair of shoes? Was it as meaningful to you as it was for me? When my list of wishes get too long and when I am unhappy about not having enough of something, this memory reminds me of the time that I had very little. It took very little to make me happy back then. I should never forget it. And no matter how little I have now, it&#8217;s always more than what I had before.</p>
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		<title>Dec 13, 2009: Sunday</title>
		<link>http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/14/dec-13-2009-sunday/</link>
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		<pubDate>Mon, 14 Dec 2009 04:45:57 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>sopaul</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cure]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[helpless]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[itch]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[no cure]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[pain]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[prickly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[torture]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[untreated]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://sopaul.wordpress.com/2009/12/14/dec-13-2009-sunday/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[My life&#8217;s been a handicap for the last 3 months due to the enormous prickly pain that I get when my body gets warm. Every episode of the reaction seems like an eternity and believe me, the pain is unbearable. Without medical insurance I can&#8217;t get it treated. And I&#8217;m afraid to go to urgent [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=sopaul.wordpress.com&amp;blog=9612791&amp;post=97&amp;subd=sopaul&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img align="left" src="http://sopaul.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/121409_0445_dec13200911.jpg?w=500">My life&#8217;s been a handicap for the last 3 months due to the enormous prickly pain that I get when my body gets warm.  Every episode of the reaction seems like an eternity and believe me, the pain is unbearable.  Without medical insurance I can&#8217;t get it treated.  And I&#8217;m afraid to go to urgent care or emergency room because that might cost too much.  I took the risk of going to a county community hospital yesterday.  The doctor doesn&#8217;t know what it is either, but have recommended me to take 2 benadryls every 4 hours and a tagamet twice each day.  The goal is to block the histamine from every direction.  I am recommended to see a dermatologist if that doesn&#8217;t work.
</p>
<p>Yup, you guessed it, the Benadryl is kicking my ass right now.  I have never felt so drowsy in my life.  I&#8217;m willing to do anything though, just to see what happens.  So far I have not gotten any reaction today.  It has also been very cold, so I&#8217;m not sure if it&#8217;s from the medication or the cold weather.  It might be from both.  We&#8217;ll see what happens.
</p>
<p><span style="font-size:16pt;"><strong> Dec 15, 2009- Tuesday<br />
</strong></span></p>
<p>The 8 plus Benadryl and 2 tagamet per day has turned me into a zombie.  I feel like I&#8217;m walking and snoozing every moment of the day.  I&#8217;m so tired all the time.  My eyeballs look like someone that hasn&#8217;t slept for days.  Here is the good news.  I&#8217;m still getting the reactions but at the minor level.  Yesterday I was teased in the classroom by a classmate and got the major reaction like I did before I was heavily medicated.  The many current minor reactions seem to be more on the feet and hands.  I&#8217;m not quite sure why.  I also noticed that the sensation felt different too.  They seem minor but more like shrieking pain.  I have not had the courage to venture in to the sunlight yet, and I probably will continue to avoid it a little longer.    So basically I still have the symptoms but am able to tolerate the room temperature more now.  I can&#8217;t wait for it to go away.
</p>
<p><span style="font-size:16pt;"><strong>Dec 17, 2009 – Thursday<br />
</strong></span></p>
<p>I took my last final last night.  I got perfect scores on the finals in 2 of the 3 classes.  Anyhow after class several of us went to a Japanese restaurant/karaoke/bar place.  It was a little warm inside of the restaurant, so that put my body at the verge of getting the reaction.  I did however get the reactions, but only when I participate in the conversation.  I had to rush outside several times because of them.   After the third episode I basically said to myself &#8220;screw it&#8221; and withheld my participation to a minimum.  I thought it was odd that those reactions were so intense.  I would have been able to tolerate the heat if I hadn&#8217;t participated in the conversation.  Now I am questioning if the medication is working as I had thought, or at all.  It&#8217;s no longer raining like the last many days and seems to be getting warmer according to the news.  I fear that my condition will worsen.
</p>
<p>Dec 19, 2009 – Saturday
</p>
<p>It was a little pass 5 pm.  After taking my Benadryl and tagamet, I wrapped up my things at Starbucks and headed home.  I knew it was a little dangerous to drive especially when the Benadryl kicks in.  Yet a part of me also wanted to enjoy my Friday night.  So I decided to stop at the usual neighborhood bar and risked the chance of getting the reaction while I am inside.  I figured it was early enough that the bar should be practically empty.  The chance of experiencing a lot of body heat is slim as long as it is not busy.  I wasn&#8217;t thrill about my time at the bar, but I was glad that I went there.  I needed the break.
</p>
<p>(A the bar)
</p>
<p> I was feeling very empty as I sat at the bar sipping my pitcher of beer.  Yes, I was sipping it and was trying to make it last for most of the night.  It is my usual way of trying to cut down the cost.  As the bar was getting more crowded, more negative thoughts began to enter my mind.  Before long I hated my time there.  Every time I find something interesting or attempt to engage in a conversation, I would get the reaction.  I even tried to play pool.  I would get the reaction as soon as I get excited from running the table.  After a while I got tired of excusing myself to the bathroom too much, and decided to forget about the game altogether.  Most of the night I spent my time sitting at the bar, taking deep breaths, and remaining as calm as possible.  It was the only way to avoid the reaction.  It was all that I can do.
</p>
<p>February 20, 2010 (Saturday)
</p>
<p>I&#8217;m sad to reveal that I still get the hives.  At the beginning I was asked by the doctor to take 2 benadryls every 4 hours and tagamet twice per day.  About 1 month later I was asked to take 2 benadryls every 3 hours, 1 zyrtec every morning and night, and 1 doxepin every night before bed.  Now I&#8217;m at 3 benadryls every 3 hours, 1 zyrtec every in the morning, 1 tagamet in the morning and 1 at night, 1 doxepin before bed, and continuously put lotions on myself throughout the day .  My right eyeball now has a huge bloodcloth.  The weekend before the last my body physically broke down.  I woke up in the middle of the  night throwing up as if my body wanted to flush everything out of my system.  I can understand that it cannot take any more medications for my body.  I thought it was a flu in the beginning because of the aches and pains.  I couldn&#8217;t get out of bed the whole weekend, and felt more aches and pains than any previous flues that I&#8217;ve ever had.   Now as I ponder about the event, I&#8217;m not convince that it was a flu since I did not have any soar throats or coughs at all.  My body simply couldn&#8217;t take it any more so it rebelled.
</p>
<p>It&#8217;s getting warmer right now.  Every day as I leave the house, I worry about what this new day brings.  I wonder how I will cope with the heat today, and if my body can even put up with it at all.  It&#8217;s been a rough ride even up to this point.  It&#8217;s disappointing to know that it is not going away soon.  Nothing seems to work.  Even the many pills that I take each day seems to be of no good.  They may temporarily subdued the attacks, but by far they have not made my day go by without getting the hives.  I&#8217;m now scared for my life, my vision, my liver, my depression, my skin, my insomnia, and many others, as I isolated myself from everybody around me and the world itself.  I tell myself not to worry about anything every day so it doesn&#8217;t stress out any more than it already does.  It hasn&#8217;t worked.  Maybe deep down within it knows that I&#8217;m lying.  </p>
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